A MINECRAFT MOVIE

Directors
Jared Hess

Starring
Jack Black
Jason Momoa
Sebastian Hansen
Emma Myers
Danielle Brooks

Decades ago, Steve [Black] set forth to fulfil his childhood dreams to work in a mine. And while working, he discovered a pair of artefacts that transported him to the Overworld – a realm of pure creation in block form. Through his various exploits he tames and befriends a wolf named Denis but also opens a portal to the Nether. There he is imprisoned by the evil sorceress Malgosha (voiced by Rachel House) but Denis escapes with said artefact – the Orb of Dominance – sealing the Overworld away from ours. The film then slows to a crawl to skip to the present day and introduce us to washed-up former video game champion Garrett ‘The Garbage Man’ Garrison [Momoa], as well as a pair of orphans: Natalie [Myers] and her inventive brother, Henry [Hansen]. But when Steve’s orb is discovered, they will all be transported to the Overworld of Minecraft, along with realtor-cum-zoo-owner, Dawn [Brooks].

When approaching any feature film, you need to meet it on its turf. Unfortunately, despite suspending my cynicism and hoping for the best, A Minecraft Movie really is the most basic, surface level experience; a truly moronic fever dream. It follows the most predictable, asinine developments with no real idea of who the audience is supposed to be. It’s too dumb for anyone above 6 or 7 to enjoy, and is so reliant on brain rot mulch that it fails to demonstrate any meaningful merit or value. In a sentence, this film is plagued by corporate decision making that strips all creativity, passion, and originality, leaving us with an excess of energy that goes nowhere.

In terms of performances, I will give full credit to Jack Black and Jason Momoa – both unabashedly throw themselves into their nonsense roles with zeal and gusto. Neither are good but they turn up and give it their all. As for Brooks and Myers, they’re relegated to padding, there because the plot dictates we need a dose of level-headedness and skepticism to balance out all the madcap screaming. And, then you have the de facto audience surrogate lead played by Sebastian Hansen. I can’t fault his performance but there really isn’t anything of real substance to work with. The character arcs and journeys are the most basic and rudimentary, with little being learnt and almost no growth.

And all of this comes down to not only the insipid script, but even the very premise itself. For a film that trumpets the benefits of creativity, it’s incredibly hollow and devoid of vision. Every scenario and passing predicament is an excuse for a lazily concocted entanglement. Quick! Have them fight a small green child riding a chicken! Have Momoa and Black 69 to fit through a hole! Throw in a giant pig! Launch a glowing laser sky beam because that’s always popular! It’s just an endless barrage of worn out tropes masquerading as a celebration of one of the most innovative and novel video games of the last two decades. In truth, this movie is the very definition of the Billy Madison quote: “What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

Now, you may feel that this level of vitriol is unearned and excessive. You may be compelled to utter the words, “but it’s just a kids’ film.” And you’d be so painfully wrong. Family movies can be some of the most complex, heartfelt, and powerful features that stick with you for life; whether they were intended as a complex challenging piece or blockbuster fodder. But even the most base of outings has something of worth and note because it’s forged with care, consideration, and a desire to entertain. A Minecraft Movie is not that. It’s a soulless cash grab and an excruciating experience because of it.

Release Date:
04 April 2025

The Scene To Look Out For:
To have something to cut away to, we are introduced to Vice Principal Marlene, played by Jennifer Coolidge. Her story revolves around one of the Minecraft villagers haphazardly escaping into our world and the pair fall in love. I have no problem with a secondary story to keep us entertained but in reality, the film sort of forgets about this thread’s existence and the whole thing eventually amounts to 2 slapdash scenes.

Notable Characters:
I’m not saying Myers is miscast but for some baffling reason the story decided to have Natalie and Henry recently lose their mother, forcing the early 20s Natalie to essentially raise her brother and carve out a living for them both in this backwater Idaho town. Meaning the only real emotional state this young woman has is panic and neurosis. Not only about being an adult but trying to keep her brother out of mischief. It’s a truly odd choice that never really lands and seems like it only exists to have an exasperated Myers roll her eyes and quip about how “this is stupid”, “you’re a moron” and “this doesn’t make any sense.”

Highlighted Quote:
“Just relax, let my hips guide you, it’s the only way.”

In A Few Words:
“Remarkably formulaic, corporate trash.”

Total Score: 1/5