MADAME WEB – The Red Right Hand Movie Reviews [Matthew Stogdon]

Starring
Dakota Johnson
Sydney Sweeney
Celeste O’Connor
Isabela Merced
Tahar Rahim

Set in the early 2000s, we’re introduced to Cassie Web [Johnson] a cynical and world-weary FDNY paramedic. Having been put through the US foster system, she is distant and unable to connect with most other people – especially children. However, when a freak accident causes her to tap into the ability to see events before they occur, she ends up saving three wayward teens: Julia [Sweeney], Anya [Merced] and Mattie [O’Connor] from a spider-suit clad assailant: Ezekiel Sims [Rahim]. Sims has been plagued with visions of these three women killing him, and as such is determined to stop them before they become a threat. Now, it’s up to Web to figure out the connection between these girls, their attacker, and her own past.

Ok, let’s put this movie into perspective. This is yet another attempt by Sony to produce Spider-Man adjacent content without an actual Spider-Man. Thus far we’ve had Venom, Morbius and now this, with each effort seeming worse than the last. And somehow it’s both really difficult and obvious to see why. See, you have interesting directorial talent – in this case, SJ Clarkson, who has notable TV credits – and a cast of committed and capable actors. But the scripts are simply abysmal. And what’s worse, the amount of background editing and micromanagement is so blatant that it does more than simply seep through into the finished product, it takes a direct forceful hand moulding it into something tragically unwatchable.

As I started to go through my notes, I couldn’t help but notice the clear similarities between Madame Web and Morbius. To the extent that I could essentially copy and paste the entirety of my Morbius review because this film suffers in the exact same ways and commits the same mistakes. Essentially throwing so much at the viewer but somehow remaining completely unengaging throughout. And this shouldn’t come as a major surprise considering there are something like seven writing credits, including those responsible for such duds as The Last Witch Hunter, Gods of Egypt and Morbius itself.

The truth is, so much of the problems stem from the insistence of telling Spider-Man films without a Spider-Man. Now, I will admit, this one had the potential to be different as it focuses on three future Spider-Women characters and the origin of how their team was assembled. That’s a commendable effort. But the execution is so rote. And struggles further considering there were attempts to set it in the 90s and make it fit the Andrew Garfield universe before reworking it to fit the Tom Holland version of the character. Meaning while we’re trying to get acquainted with these new characters, we’re constantly being beaten over the head with the impending birth of the Spider-Man people actually want to see.

Which really sucks because the movie flirts with decent chemistry between the fledgling Spider-Women and sets them on a possible path for genuine friendship. Before derailing it by rushing them to the next underdeveloped set piece. Johnson, at the film’s head, is also a tricky one to decipher. She’s putting in sincere effort and at times gives a rounded performance laced with a solid brand of awkward humour. But the nonsensical plot baggage she’s weighed down with makes it impossible to function effectively. And that’s before we even talk about her powers. The future visions work well enough – albeit far too often deployed as jumpscares, but they work. What makes no sense, however, is Web’s “everywhere at once” power. I honestly don’t know how to describe it and, frankly, neither does the film as it simply isn’t detailed satisfactorily.

And finally we have Ezekiel Sims. One of superhero movies’ most cryptic villains. Rahim is a more than capable actor but watching this film, you wouldn’t know it. In the suit he’s a blurry mess lost in erratic camera shots, and when walking around barefoot (something that is never explained), spouting moustache-twirling jabs about killing these teenagers at all costs, it’s hard to see any complexity or nuance to the character. This isn’t helped when you dive into his actual motivations. Which are frankly terrible. In his own words, he steals a breed of rare spider that can help people with its restorative properties. But he refuses to do anything with it because “no one helped me.” Which makes no sense. The people he betrays are actively trying to change the balance of the world to ensure younger generations of the same character don’t suffer the same fate. Oh and he also happens to be insanely rich and hasn’t really aged. It’s not covered very well. In truth, it’s just another prime example of an underdeveloped villain who is evil for the sake of being evil, and any explanatory justification is lost in tragically bad ADR and constant rewrites and reshoots.

Too many people will point to the female-led cast or female director and continue the infantile trend of saying this is a the essence of why women don’t belong in cinema. Which, we all know is laughably stupid. The real lessons to be learned from Madame Web is that studios have little care or respect for their audience and are actively pushing out projects to meet a quota, regardless of quality or blowback. And, unfortunately for the time being, the low reviews and poor box office results aren’t getting through to them. So I can’t imagine this will be the last we’ll see of these types of subpar releases.

Release Date:
16 February 2024

The Scene To Look Out For:
Every single major action scene is thoroughly under-baked. There’s very little that’s new on offer, very little evidence of how the budget has been spent, and nothing that couldn’t have been replicated on a TV scale. Going further still, to say it’s uninspired would be generous.

Notable Characters:
Johnson will get a lot of flak for this film, and her brand of loner-sass that feels low effort will also be called into question. But I think the snark and frustration actually works in her favour here and makes parts of the movie somewhat memorable. That said, given how restrictive and crushingly dull the script is, there’s very little she could have done to dredge Madame Web up from its inevitable critical and commercial depths.

Highlighted Quote:
“That sounds like every therapy session I’ve ever avoided.”

In A Few Words:
“Scant on action, drama and cohesion. The very definition of a failure.”

Total Score: 1/5

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